About 15 years ago, I stored photos with an online service. Even though I haven’t added new photos in years, the company still emails me with reminders of past moments. One of those emails recently included a group photo from a holiday lunch with people from work, and I immediately forwarded it to a friend who was also in the picture. In turn, she immediately responded with mock-horror about the belt she’d been wearing. 

At the centre of the photo was an executive we all worked with; he’d treated all the women on his team to lunch at a club where he had a membership. And in case I need to be clear, it wasn’t like a Weinstein, #MeToo vibe. This was (and I’m sure still is) a man who genuinely wanted to celebrate and value the often-overlooked contributions of women in his office.

This person is still active in business, research, and nonprofit sectors – but it’s been quite a while since he was present in the day-to-day activities of a large organization. And that photo got me thinking: I wonder how he’d fit into our workplace these days. He had some catchphrases that raised eyebrows years ago, and would probably land him in pretty hot water today. But here’s the thing: this guy was more inclusive and authentically engaged than many people who use the “right” words. He was appreciated by Indigenous community members long before companies began talking about truth and reconciliation, and he was demonstrably appreciative when it came to learning from diverse perspectives. Much of what I later learned in a community-focused master’s degree, I’d seen him practice regularly. 

Those thoughts prompted another memory – this time from that same master’s degree. I recall one of my classmates asking one day, “…but we’re not supposed to use that word, right?” I listened as the prof gave a more nuanced response than the question had asked for, and I remember feeling struck by a couple of other things. Terms like “supposed to” and “right” embedded in that question underly feelings of division that many of us are experiencing. 

What if we measured people as much by their actions and intentions as their words? What if using a “wrong” word is just an opportunity for conversation, rather than an indicator of a person’s worth?

That might be a provocative question for a bunch of reasons. So let me clarify a couple of things before I go on.

First, I am not talking about situations where someone is being deliberately hurtful. I’ve seen the outright-horrible comments that some of my friends receive on social media, for example. I don’t know what kind of troubled existence a person is trying to compensate for when calling people names or otherwise trying to cause damage or pain, but I wish they’d get some help…or just be quiet. 

Second, I’m guilty. I have a pretty good understanding about what I should be doing when it comes to conversations, but I often let my immediate reactions get the better of me. (Feel free to enjoy the irony of this post being about walking the talk, while knowing that I regularly fall.)

It’s actually easier for me to get in a habit of saying things that I’m “supposed” to say. I can read a room and generally know which words to use, and which ones to leave at the door. I know different rituals and habits that go with different types of groups, and I can blend in if I want to. But that skill is shallow politeness at best, and sociopathic at worst – unless we can engage more deeply than word choice.

It’s not much use – I don’t think – for someone to know their local land acknowledgement off by heart if they don’t (as only one example) know how to learn from the land. Similarly, it’s not terribly helpful to espouse how much I value community members’ input if I don’t make time to listen.  

And on the other side of this coin, how will people gain any new understanding if they are afraid of being wrong and rejected for using the wrong word? If someone has cause to worry about being “cancelled” or reprimanded, how might that affect their curiosity? 

My colleagues and I hold a periodic “book club” that exposes us to others’ stories in ways that affect how we talk and – I hope – how we act. We learn the reasons and backstories behind evolving language and we find ways to change our individual and collective habits in the process. I’ve seen a lot more success from this approach than from the moments where I’ve said things like, “that’s not what we say anymore”, which can sound a lot like “what’s wrong with you?!” depending on the person and circumstances.

Some may think I’m naïve, but I don’t think many people set out to deliberately hurt others. And I do think many people are open to change if they understand why or how it helps.

My friend’s views on her belt may have changed over the years, and so have some of our social beliefs. But if the same executive called us up for lunch using the same words he might have chosen 15 years ago, I’d still accept the invitation in a heartbeat. 

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